Right now I feel great about myself, but there are so many times when I feel like crap because I’ve done something wrong, and I’m getting yelled at for it. When it’s something any other 16 year old would get in trouble for, no biggie. But so often, it’s related to my autism. For example, when I repeat the word “Okay” over and over, and everyone is yelling at me to stop repeating, or when I cut an important piece of paper. These are times when I feel terrible about being autistic. I wish I could control these better and not piss everyone off.
It’s been explained to me that this where my anxiety/OCD and stims overlap, and that’s why they are trying to get me to stop; to lift the needle off the record, if you will, and form a different response to stress. But it’s so hard, and it also hurts my self-confidence. Very often, I want to yell back at people, “Is there anything I do right?” I am loved, but like all relationships, that love can be complicated. I hope that as I make my way in the world, I can get a better handle on my anxiety and allow myself a break from feeling crappy.